I've officially been in the army now for three weeks. In those three weeks, I've learned a lot about myself and about the girls I'm living with, but most of all I've learned a lot about the army that I'm serving in. The following is a comprehensive list of things that taught me something about the IDF.
Top 10 Things I've Done in Direct Defiance of My Own Sense of Logic Simply Because I Was Ordered to and the Alternative to Obeying These Orders is Jail Time:
1. Eat nothing but potatoes.
Growing up, I remember hearing about the ideal balanced diet. We learned about the food pyramid in school and spent many a health class discussing the biological effects of our food choices. This is why I'm baffled every time I enter the cafeteria and see a steaming platter of potatoes before me. In the morning, it's hash browns. In the afternoon, it's sweet potatoes and baked potatoes mixed with a questionable-looking sauce, an at dinner time it's mashed potatoes, or what they euphemistically call "purée." Lunch and dinner usually include a side of what may be stew, potatoes floating menacingly at the top. And to go with the stew, there's almost always rice. Now, I may be wrong, but I've always been under the impression that an all-carb, all-starch diet is detrimental to the health of a human being. In addition, our work-outs and running are limited to two or three times a week. But before every meal, we are given a speech in Hebrew that can be directly translated to "there is no situation in which someone does not take and eat the food that is given to you." So now I see why people say that in the army, "boys get hunky, girls get chunky," and why they always give us a uniform at least one size too big.
2. Wake up before the sun
The sun is the strongest element known to mankind. That is why it is absurd that we mere soldiers of 18-years-old get less sleep than the sun does. Before I joined the army, back when things made sense, I would go to sleep when it was late and I was tired, and I would wake up when the sun shining through my window told me it was time to start the day. Now, I go to sleep when my energy is at its peak (9:00 pm) and wake up between 3 and 5:30 am. 3o'clock in the morning is not a time for people to be awake. It is too dark to do anything safely, so we should be warm and cozy in our beds. Instead, at 3o'clock in the morning, I'm racing to the sinks to beat the rush of girls. By law, this stage of the army requires that we get at least 6 hours of sleep a night. But waking up when the moon is still high in the sky is ludicrous.
3. Desert my definition of the word "clean"
Before I came to the army, I had certain expectations about what it would be like. I pictured living in a small, messy room with 5 or 6 other girls, our backpacks exploded just by virtue of our girly-ness. I knew that there would probably only be a few bathrooms for more than a few girls, and that massive amounts of hair in the shower drain was inevitable. I set my standards of cleanliness very, very low. These standards have now been lowered to nonexistent. Never mind hair in the drains; I was ordered to clean something off the shower floor that I can't mention because chances are you just ate, or are eating now, or plan on eating sometime in the future. Suffice it to say that after cleaning it and proceeding to shower in that very shower (with flip flops, mind you), I can no longer be shocked by anything. If you had any misconceptions about girls being a clean breed, abandon them now. That room I pictured is not a room but a tent, and it's not 5 or 6 other girls but 15. Any cleanliness now is merely a luxury.
4. Cleaned clean things
Despite the grossly obvious lack of cleanliness, we do a lot of cleaning. I've broken this down to examples for your convenience.
a. I cleaned an entire kitchen with 6 other girls for a solid 4 hours. We worked quickly and efficiently, and by the end of that 4 hours, the kitchen was spotless. (It's ironic that the army demands a clean kitchen when the only requirement before handling food is that the medic must look - literally only LOOK - at our hands.) when we finished, we proudly called our commander to tell him we were done. Our reward for finishing so quickly was that we had to clean the kitchen again. Because we finished before the scheduled time, there was nothing for us to do. But since they can't just let us relax for a little, we cleaned a spotless kitchen.
b. My platoon (I'm not sure that this is the right translation) had to clean the same chairs FOUR TIMES, because our commander didn't tell us how he wanted it done the first time.
5. Cleaned things that are meant to be dirty.
This one has also been broken into examples.
a. I've squeegeed a floor dry literally seconds before a hundred muddy soldiers came trampling in.
b. I've poured a bucket of water outside into the dirt, then squeegeed the mud away from the door. Why I couldn't just pour the water elsewhere is beyond me, but so be it.
c. I've swept a sidewalk and watched helplessly as the wind blew the same dirt back onto the sidewalk.
6. Live in a 1940s WWII movie
When you picture an army, you don't picture a bunch of girls cleaning the kitchen in uniform. You picture soldiers marching, helmets in place, uniforms neatly pressed, boots clean, footsteps in sync. We do that too. Whenever we march anywhere, our commander saunters alongside us chanting "smole, smole, smole yamin smole." For those of you who don't know Hebrew, that's the same as when the harsh but good-intentioned commander (probably with a mustache) yells "left, left, left right left." The first time we did this, I could not stop laughing. If you ever want to feel incredibly stupid, march in time with 50 other girls. I got in trouble for laughing, so I needed something to distract me from the foolishness of this old-fashioned army I've joined. I came up with a game where I try to see how many Beatles' songs I can fit into the beat of our marching. At any given time, the following is playing in my head: "She loves you yeah, yeah, smole, yamin, She loves you yeah, yeah, smole, yamin, smole." Basically, I've created an entire mental soundtrack of these songs, extending beyond the Beatles once I exhausted their repertoire. Some of my favorites include "Can't Buy Me Smole, Yamin, Smole," "A Hard Day's Smole," and "Bridge Over Smole, Yamin, Smole," by Simon and Garfunksmole. Once I get through this genre, I'm moving onto country music, so stay tuned.
7. Complain
There is a certain stereotype that Israelis are aggressive, and it is 100% accurate. I, being American, lack whatever gene gave them that aggression, and I've been told more than once that I'm obviously foreign because of how polite I am. I always thought that this was a good thing. And then I got yelled at for it. My commander literally yelled at me for not nagging about things that I wanted. He told me I was too shy. I am not shy. But I have, over the years, learned that complaining is usually the least effective way of getting what you want, and so I wait patiently until an opportunity to ask nicely arises. Which seems like quite a good reason to yell at me.
8. Measure my days in minutes and seconds
It's a well known fact that a watched pot never boils, and a watched clock never moves. Everyone knows that if you want time to pass quickly, you must avoid looking at the clock. The worst possible thing you could do is watch the seconds tick by. Which is exactly what we do. All orders that are given to us follow this general formula: "You have (short amount of time) to (impossible task). (Same short amount of time), MOVE." And thus all my seconds feel like minutes, all my minutes feel like hours, and all my hours feel like years. You say I've been in the army for 3 weeks, I say I've been in for approximately 300-some odd years.
9. Take orders from people my age
This one seems rather self-explanatory. It's rather demeaning to be told what to do at every second throughout the day. But on top of that, the people telling me what to do hardly know anything more than I do. When my commanders go home, they're going home to their mommies, and their 18- and 19-year-old friends, and their childhood rooms. They're just people, just kids like myself, really, and I'm subject to their every whim.
10. Call my mother instead of shower
Every day, in accordance with the rights of soldiers, we are required to have an hour of free time. This, I assume, is intended to ensure our sanity. However, this hour is not really free, it is our hour to set up our beds and shower and brush our teeth and relax for a second. It is also our time to call our mothers. But with so much to do in that one hour, we have to pick and choose what we do. Either you put on pajamas and go to sleep hungry, or you go to the vending machine and sleep in your uniform. Either you charge your phone, or you brush your teeth. For me, it's either I call my mother, or I shower. Now, I know my priorities, but I'm still a little ashamed to admit that I haven't showered in four days. My smelliness is a testament to my love for my family, my odor the stench of a good daughter.
I would like to point out that somehow, despite the arbitrariness, the foolishness, and the futility, the IDF still stands as one of the strongest armies in the world. Though I sometimes have trouble remembering why I volunteered to wake up at 3:30 am or clean horrendously disgusting shower floors, I'm proud to be a part of something so intricately designed. If nothing else, this is an amazing experience that will provide me with quite a few stories to tell. There are certain times when I can feel the real army shine through, like when I'm sitting on a bus in my uniform and an old woman smiles at me. For all she knows, I could be in some super secretive, elite unit. All she knows is that my friends and I make her feel safe. And this makes all the rest of it worth it.
Happy 2013!!
